Source: United States Army
FORT HOOD, Texas — Military marriages endure many stresses due to military life, such as family separation, financial situations, spouse career exploration, frequent relocations or occupational demands. Maintaining and growing a military marriage takes patience, an incredible amount of understanding and lots of work.
“It takes a lot to do the work of a Soldier and to do the work of an Army spouse,” said Chaplain (Maj.) Dan Moen, Fort Hood family life chaplain and counselor, Religious Support Office, III Armored Corps. “So, there’s outside factors. If you have kids, the kids change … They have other needs. You might have financial factors, that cause stress.
“Then (you) have some inside factors between the couple,” he continued. “Maybe the couple has some difficulties communicating and expressing their feelings. That is usually one of the most challenging parts when dealing with couples is learning how to communicate … and couples often times miss the mark on connecting emotionally.”
A couple should do relationship maintenance as much as possible. Maintenance helps to grow the marriage and reduce the negative effects the military life may have on it. One way to conduct maintenance is for the couple to continue to go on dates with each other. Moen gave tips on how to have a successful date night.
Setting expectations
Couples can have different needs for a date night. Each date night comes with its own set of hopes. Moen says it is all about setting those expectations.
“A couple should try to figure out why they want to go on a date and what they want to do,” he said.
Additionally, this is not a task that a spouse should do by themselves.
“The couple needs to work on (expectations) together,” he said. “Otherwise, it may seem like one partner has more of a power trip than the other, or more authority figure, but it should be a conversation that (says), ‘Hey, this is what we want to do tonight, this is how we want to do it, and this is why we want to do it.’”
Moen also suggests couples set their expectations before the date which can help reduce frustration in the middle of it.
“… Let’s say these two scenarios: you and your husband go to Olive Garden for dinner. Before you go, you’re a little concerned about telling him, ‘Hey, I’m wondering when we eat, can we both put our phones away because I want to know that you’re hearing me?’ Someone might feel a little awkward saying that beforehand,” Moen said. “But that awkwardness is smaller compared to scenario number two, where the phone is on the table, the notifications are going on. He’s texting or doing whatever, and you’re trying to have a conversation. And you’re just getting angry. And then you have to tell them why you’re angry because he didn’t meet an expectation in your mind … So, what’s really harder?”
Moen recommends when a spouse brings up their expectations, they initiate their spouse’s input in what they would like to receive from the interaction.
Quality conversation
Moen notices many couples have a hard time figuring out what to talk about with each other.
“There’s a couple of great resources to help couples deepen their understanding of each other, getting to know each other,” he said, such as apps, online quizzes or question card games.
Moen goes further mentioning using open-ended questions, such as, “Who in your life is most stressful for you?” and, “What do you need right now in a friend?”
When asked what a couple should be learning on a date, Moen said they should become students of their spouse.
“Be curious about their spouse’s hopes and dreams. Be curious about their spouse’s emotions. Be curious about maybe some of their expectations,” he said. “Conversations about what they want out of the relationship, and just kind of a check in to see like ‘Hey, are we still good?’”
Also, make sure to decide what needs to be and does not need to be talked about during the date to either minimize friction or to make sure difficult matters are handled appropriately, he explained.
Moen said there is research he has read which shows that 69% of a couple’s conflict is non-resolvable.
“That tells you though that there are things that even though you won’t be able to resolve (it) that you can work with that,” he said. “It gives you an opportunity to actually figure out how to handle that.”
Moen continued that even with a difference of opinion, couples can learn that it doesn’t have to be a fight.
Date night ideas
There are many ways to have date nights that promote a positive experience for both partners. Working on an activity together, such as cooking or building, can promote healthy communication and learning how to work together. Those around the Fort Hood Garrison Public Affairs Office shared their favorite date nights that bring them closer to their spouse.
“A quiet night with a fine meal, usually Dungeness crab, and a musical concert from a well-known artist, like Garth Brooks, George Straight, or an orchestra, such as the Boston Pops,” said Chris Haug, director of the garrison PAO.
Erick Rodriguez, community relations specialist for the garrison PAO, and his wife loves dates that put them on an adventure.
“Generally, my wife and I get the most out of time together when we do interactive things as teammates,” he said. “We are big fans of escape rooms or those home detective mystery game boxes. We generally cap off those nights with a good meal and some quiet time just talking and enjoying a kid-free evening.”
Brandy Gill, chief of plans and operations of the garrison PAO, and her husband can make a date out of anything.
“With five kids, any time we get alone time is a date,” she expressed. “We make the most out of every dinner out, trip to the grocery store or walk through the local nursery. It might not sound like much to most people, but when my husband turns on the charm, opening the car door and holding my hand, it’s enough for me.”
Whatever date night idea comes to mind, it must work for both spouses. Moen said sometimes, couples come to a place where their conversations aren’t going well. This could lead to unproductive dates.
“You’re having continual fights, conflict that just never gets resolved, a misunderstanding and miscommunication going on, feeling unappreciated, feeling not heard, then that might be an indication that you need to call one of the resources here. They can call and talk to me. I do marriage counseling all the time,” he said. “They can call the Chaplain Family Life Training Center (254-288-1913). They can go over to the Shoemaker Center and talk to one of the MFLCs (military and family life counselor), or one of their chaplains in their unit, to kind of get a brush up on, you know, better communicating as a couple.”